You made us the #1 Hotel in Australia

My #1 hotel experience involves

Select getting trashedtrying not to blushputting on a wigindulging in some poolside frivolityenjoying a Liberace style candlelit dinnerescaping my kidsparading my collection of Hawaiian shirtsslipping into some silk sheetsdisappearing off the face of the Earthflirting with the cute conciergesettling in with a good bookwearing very littlelaughing my ass offmaking myself overly familiar with the mini barindulging in some Motley Crue-style hotel carnagerealising my fantasy of throwing the TV out the windowplaying with my 'toys'changing into my fishnet stockingsdabbling in a little 'filmmaking'negotiating double Spanx and a push-up braliving the full Eat, Pray, Love, Vomit experienceordering martini's, shaken not stirredchilling in a Scarface style jacuzzinot worrying about my bad habitsordering nothing but tropical cocktailsfinally letting myself goignoring my allergiesdoing nothing, absolutely nothingstarting a sexy pillow fight with housekeeping stafftaking a ridiculously long bath (with wine)organising an unintentional swingers partysmashing through Cyndi Lauper's entire back cataloguepartaking in a few excessive beveragesmaxing out on 1kg of oysters and few bottles of wine I can't pronouncecontemplating suitable actors who would play me in my own moviegiving in to my inner demonsgargling tequiladancing like no-one's watchingapplying liberal amounts of coconut oilover-ordering room-servicecomplaining about my mother-in-law

whilst

Select complaining about my mother-in-lawmassaging my mother-in-lawstaring into spaceenjoying the company of myselfreconsidering the merits of Tina Turnerdevouring last night's pizza the morning afterstrolling around in my embroided bathrobequestioning my choice of swimsuitnot thinking twicehaving complete disregard for the welfare of otherscoming to terms with my poor life choiceswelcoming the opportunity to finally wear my fedorashaking some ridiculously over-the-top cocktailmaintaining my childhood innocenceexploring a little role playingharassing hotel staff for the right brand of ginseng teashattering all preconceived ideas people have about metrying to get out of the friend-zone with my travel buddytaking the opportunity to reinvent myselfpretending I'm Spanishmaintaining my angry facecontemplating my next start-upscratching myselfbreast feedingembarrassing my kidstipping generouslytrying to avoid shrinkageJustin Bieber.. in some shape or formsome sort of unexpected tiger in the bathroomavoiding all criminal chargesignoring all pleas to stopgiving in to my inhibitionsnot thinking too hard about the consequencesavoiding the gym at all costsimpersonating Rick Jamesencouraging my partner to wear 'that' dressthere's nothing you can do about it.stopping for a kebab at 3amgetting away with itunashamedly enjoying itlying back and thinking of England

and

Select maintaining my angry facecontemplating my next start-upscratching myselfbreast feedingembarrassing my kidstipping generouslytrying to avoid shrinkageJustin Bieber.. in some shape or formsome sort of unexpected tiger in the bathroomavoiding all criminal chargesignoring all pleas to stopgiving in to my inhibitionsnot thinking too hard about the consequencesavoiding the gym at all costsimpersonating Rick Jamesencouraging my partner to wear 'that' dressthere's nothing you can do about it.stopping for a kebab at 3amgetting away with itunashamedly enjoying itlying back and thinking of Englandordering martini's, shaken not stirredchilling in a Scarface style jacuzzinot worrying about my bad habitsordering nothing but tropical cocktailsfinally letting myself goignoring my allergiesdoing nothing, absolutely nothingstarting a sexy pillow fight with housekeeping stafftaking a ridiculously long bath (with wine)organising an unintentional swingers partysmashing through Cyndi Lauper's entire back cataloguepartaking in a few excessive beveragesmaxing out on 1kg of oysters and few bottles of wine I can't pronouncecontemplating suitable actors who would play me in my own moviegiving in to my inner demonsgargling tequiladancing like no-one's watchingapplying liberal amounts of coconut oilcomplaining about my mother-in-law

Yep, that sure would be awesome.